by Bella
(TX)
Original Text: Drums, Girls, and Dangerous Pie
Steven is a 13 – year old boy
who has a crush on the hottest girl
in eight grade: Renee Albert. Steven
thinks that having a little brother is
the most annoying thing in the world
as he recalls the “dangerous pie” and
the “mom, please kill me now” incidents
both caused by Jeffrey. While Steven
is making Jeffrey breakfast one day,
Jeffrey falls off his stool and his nose
starts bleeding. After the accident,
Jeffrey is taken to the emergency
room with his mom while Steven
has to be taken to school by his
dad. That day, during opportunity
period, Mr. Watras shows Steven
a CD for him to listen the Latin
rhythm of the congas and tells
Steven that he would like him
to play the congas for the Spring
Concert. With Jeffrey having been
on Steven’s mind all day which caused
him to act a little weird at school,
Steven fought with Annette on the
bus ride and when he arrived home,
his mom told him that Jeffrey had
leukemia.
Stevens’ mom tells
both him and his dad what happened
at the hospital and that she was
taking Jeffrey first thing in the
morning to Philadelphia for some
medical tests. Later that night
while laying on his bed, Steven
realizes that he didn’t tell his
mom or dad that he was the star
in the spring concert. The next day,
Steven tries to make himself believe
that Jeffrey doesn’t have leukemia
and when he goes to school, he didn’t
tell anyone about Jeffrey. That same
day, Mr. Watras lend Steven a lot of
ancient rhythm records and expensive
bongos for him to practice his part
in the spring concert. That day,
Steven realized that his relationship
with his dad was growing apart
because they didn’t talk as much
as they used to. The next morning,
Steven’s mom and brother returned
from Philadelphia.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Revised Text:
Steven is a 13 – year old boy who has a crush on the hottest girl in the eighth grade, Renee Albert.
Steven thinks that having a little brother is the most annoying thing in the world as he recalls the “dangerous pie” and the “mom, please kill me now” incidents, both caused by Jeffrey.
While Steven was making Jeffrey breakfast one day, Jeffrey fell off his stool and his nose started bleeding. After the accident, Jeffrey was taken to the emergency room with his mom while Steven had to be taken to school by his dad. That day, during opportunity period, Mr. Watras gave Steven a CD for him to listen to the Latin rhythms of the congas and told Steven that he would like him to play the congas for the Spring Concert. Jeffrey having been on Steven’s mind all day caused Steven to act a little weird at school. Steven fought with Annette on the bus ride and when he arrived home, his mom told him that Jeffrey had leukemia.
Steven's mom told both him and his dad what happened at the hospital and that she was taking Jeffrey first thing in the morning to Philadelphia for some medical tests. Later that night while laying on his bed, Steven realized that he hadn’t told his mom or dad that he would be the star in the spring concert. The next day, Steven tried to make himself believe that Jeffrey didn’t have leukemia. When he went to school, he didn’t tell anyone about Jeffrey. That same day, Mr. Watras lent Steven a lot of ancient rhythm records and expensive bongos for him to practice his part on for the spring concert.
That day, Steven realized that his relationship with his dad was growing distant because they didn’t talk as much as they used to. The next morning, Steven’s mom and brother returned from Philadelphia.
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