Essay 1

Original Text: Essay 1

The Siena Research Institute is an organization on campus that deals with the gathering of data to reflect a trend that affects many individuals in New York State. On December 8th, I had the opportunity to go to the Press Release of the 2010 New York Civic Health Index by the Siena Research Institute. During the event, I was a representative from the Siena Bonner Leaders Program on campus. I aided in the conference proceedings and spoke to many important individuals from the surrounding Albany area. This event was very interesting, because it was the first time that I saw the whole AmeriCorps program, which included the Bonners and Vistas together on the state level. This event showcased the professionalism that the AmeriCorps program conveys to the surrounding community. This event shed new light on the program to the local leaders, and I was privileged to be a part of it.
The ability to be comfortable while speaking in front of business leaders is an acquired skill that often takes years to fully master. During the event, I was very comfortable with the business environment due to my past experiences in the field. For instance, before I came to Siena College, I was a member of the East Islip/ Dowling School Business Partnership. My duty as a member of the Partnership was to represent the student body as their voice in the partnership’s proceedings. During my stay with the organization, I conducted many events especially, Medicare Workshop which was very successful. These skills that I learned during my eighteen month tenure with the organization have helped me dramatically. After the event concluded, I spoke to the Bonner Coordinator Gretchen who was surprised about my business speaking and representation skills. Then, I was offered a volunteer position with the Institute for a new study that is in the development stages. I was honored to accept the position with my fellow Bonners, John and Tim. This event was very interesting and it opened a new door of opportunity.
Foundations Sequence is a course that is mainly focused on the improving oral and written communication skills that promote academic, personal and professional success. The course is teaching the students including myself, valuable communication skills that are needed to be successful. Although, I do have experience in public speaking and representation, they can be improved significantly to the point where public speaking becomes second nature. These skills become crucial when presenting a point of view on a situation because any opinion needs factual backing unless, it will be viewed as unintelligent. I know that these skills will improve in time and with further opportunities to make contributions in the class room or business setting, they will continually improve. The course focuses on many other objectives but, oral skills in particular are very valuable in the business environment.
The Press Release of the 2010 New York Civic Health Index by the Siena Research Institute was extraordinary and I am honored to be asked to join the volunteer staff. I know that my skills will improve overtime and by the end of the course, I hope my skills will be good enough to give the presentation about the study that I will help conduct during next semester. Overall, the event was an outstanding success and the Siena Research Institute did a remarkable job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revised Text:


The Siena Research Institute is an organization on campus that deals with the gathering of data to reflect trends that affect many individuals in New York State.

On December 8th, I had the opportunity to go to the Press Release announcement for the "2010 New York Civic Health Index" by the Siena Research Institute. During the event, I was a representative of the Siena Bonner Leaders Program on campus. I aided in the conference proceedings and spoke to many important individuals from the surrounding Albany area. This event was very interesting because it was the first time I saw the whole AmeriCorps program, which includes the Bonners and Vistas together, on the state level. This event showcased the professionalism that the AmeriCorps program conveys to the surrounding community. It shed new light on the program for the local leaders, and I was privileged to be a part of it.

The ability to be comfortable while speaking in front of business leaders is an acquired skill that often takes years to fully master. During the event, I was very comfortable with the business environment due to my past experiences in the field. For instance, before I came to Siena College, I was a member of the East Islip/ Dowling School Business Partnership. My duties as a member of the Partnership was to represent the student body as their voice in the partnership’s proceedings. During my stay with the organization, I conducted many events, of which the Medicare Workshop especially was very successful. The skills I learned during my eighteen month tenure with the organization have helped me dramatically.

After the event concluded, I spoke to the Bonner Coordinator, Gretchen, who was surprised by my business speaking and representation skills. I was then offered a volunteer position with the Institute for a new study that is in the development stages. I was honored to accept the position with my fellow Bonners, John and Tim. This event was very interesting and it opened a new door of opportunity.

"Foundations Sequence" is a course that is mainly focused on improving the oral and written communication skills that promote academic, personal and professional success. The course is teaching the students, including myself, valuable communication skills that are needed to be successful. Although, I do have experience in public speaking and representation, they can be improved significantly to the point where public speaking becomes second nature. These skills become crucial when presenting a point of view in a situation because any opinion needs factual backing. Otherwise, it will be viewed as unintelligent.

I know that these skills will improve in time, and with further opportunities to make contributions in the classroom or a business setting, they will continually improve. The course focuses on many other objectives but oral skills in particular are very valuable in the business environment.

The Press Release of the "2010 New York Civic Health Index" by the Siena Research Institute was extraordinary and I am honored to have been asked to join the volunteer staff. I know that my skills will improve over time and by the end of the course, I hope my skills will be good enough to give the presentation on the study that I will help conduct during next semester. Overall, the event was an outstanding success and the Siena Research Institute did a remarkable job.

Editor:

1. Please review the text carefully to ensure your intended meaning was not mistakenly changed.

2. Before you leave this page, please take a moment to use the "Click here to post comments." link at the bottom of the page to rate the proofreading and leave a comment if you wish.

Proofreading and editing pages that receive ratings and comments are moved to the top of the list.