Love-shyness

Original Text: Love-shyness

First and foremost, the hardest yet the most important key of overcoming love-shyness is perhaps changing the view of gender role and man-woman relationship. It seems that love-shy individuals are affected by gender expectation and how men and women are supposed to act. However, there is no rule in relationship as long as the both people are happy with it. In short, there is no perfect scenario with a perfect rule for a perfect relationship that lasts forever. Sometimes a great relationship ends in a way no one imagined, and we all face rejection at some points in our lives. There is a new social phenomenon called “Cinderella Syndrome” spread among some young Japanese men recently, in which those men seriously believe in an elaborated romantic fantasy like a fairly tail. Those boys are called “Cinderella Men,” and they believe that a beautiful princess who loves them unconditionally will climb up the castle and wake them up with a kiss, to have an ever-lasting marriage. Those Cinderella men aim to remain strictly virgin until the day they get married, but end up realizing that they are still virgin at the age of fifty. Having a fantasy about the opposite sex is fun in movies and novels, but it interferes with practical strategies of having a successful relationship.

Another domain to improve love-shyness is confidence. Unfortunately, confidence only comes from the experience and it is often hard to establish it if the individual has a negative evaluation of himself/herself. Some people find group sessions and behavioral therapies useful to support building confidence and self-esteem, but the effectiveness depends on individuals. It is also useful to learn some social skills such as making eye contacts, having a small talk, or even greeting. Skills in nonverbal communication are as vital as verbal communication, and no signs of nonverbal cues would give others an impression of disinterest and indifference. Nonverbal skills are learnable and would make a notable difference in social interaction.

As Gilmartin defines, love-shyness can be life-crippling and unfathomable, but it is absolutely improvable even if it takes longer for some severely love-shy people. However, some data indicate that love-shy people’s suffer may also be due to psychological illness such as depression or narcissism; Gilmartin’s survey revealed that a high number of love-shy men have frequent depressive symptoms (1987). I hope that further investigation of love-shyness should look at women and a female psychologist looks into the mechanism of love-shyness from a woman’s point of view. I would also like to see cross-culture studies on love-shyness. For instance, the love-shy men in India may suffer less than the love-shy men in the U.S., since the arranged marriage is still very popular in India and men do not have to overcome their shyness in order to get married and create a family. Because love-shyness is about romantic relationship, different gender role, marriage system, and social norms would influence the consequence of love-shyness differently. Further analysis of love-shyness need to examine the various aspects that induce or prevent love-shyness in both men and women.

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Revised Text:

First and foremost, the hardest, yet the most important key in overcoming love-shyness is perhaps changing the view of gender roles and man-woman relationships. It seems that love-shy individuals are affected by gender expectations and how men and women are supposed to act. However, there is no rule in relationships as long as both people are happy with it. In short, there is no perfect scenario with a perfect rule for a perfect relationship that lasts forever.

Sometimes a great relationship ends in a way no one imagined, and we all face rejection at some point in our lives. There is a new social phenomenon called the “Cinderella Syndrome” spread among some young Japanese men recently, in which those men seriously believe in an elaborate romantic fantasy like a fairly tale. These boys are called “Cinderella Men,” and they believe that a beautiful princess, who loves them unconditionally, will climb up the castle and wake them up with a kiss, to have an ever-lasting marriage. These Cinderella men aim to remain strictly virgin until the day they get married, but end up realizing that they are still a virgin at the age of fifty. Having a fantasy about the opposite sex is fun in movies and novels, but it interferes with practical strategies for having a successful relationship.

Another tool to improve love-shyness is confidence. Unfortunately, confidence only comes from experience and it is often hard to establish if the individual has a negative evaluation of himself/herself. Some people find group sessions and behavioral therapies useful to support building confidence and self-esteem, but the effectiveness depends on the individuals. It is also useful to learn some social skills, such as making eye contact, making small talk, or even giving greetings. Skills in nonverbal communication are as vital as verbal communications, and lacking nonverbal cues would give others an impression of disinterest and indifference. Nonverbal skills are learn-able and would make a notable difference in social interactions.

As Gilmartin defines, love-shyness can be life-crippling and unfathomable, but it is absolutely improvable, even if it takes longer for some severely love-shy people. However, some data indicates that love-shy people’s suffering may also be due to psychological illnesses such as depression or narcissism; Gilmartin’s survey revealed that a high number of love-shy men have frequent depressive symptoms (1987). I hope that further investigations of love-shyness will look at women and that a female psychologist will look into the mechanism of love-shyness from a woman’s point of view. I would also like to see cross-cultureal studies on love-shyness. For instance, love-shy men in India may suffer less than love-shy men in the U.S. since the arranged marriage is still very popular in India and men do not have to overcome their shyness in order to get married and create a family.

Because love-shyness is about romantic relationships and different gender roles, the marriage system and social norms would influence the consequence of love-shyness differently. Further analysis of love-shyness needs to examine the various aspects that induce or prevent love-shyness in both men and women.

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