Yea

Original Text: Yea

I want to attend Stanford and be successful. This statement is perhaps cliché, but this is what I am striving for each day. I am a determined and striving student and teen that knows what I want in life. I believe that these characteristics I acquire developed because I was raised in an impoverished environment as a child. Because of my upbringing and seeing the sacrifices my parents made helps me understand that coming to America is a once in a lifetime opportunity that not everyone acquires. Because I have the privilege to acquire this opportunity I chose to take advantage of it. My parents never had the chance to attend college because of their circumstances in Vietnam, I feel as though I am not accomplishing my aspirations just for me, but also for them.
During my freshman and sophomore year, I had volunteered at the Chinatown Community Cultural Center. Through my service, I have discovered so much about myself. While volunteering here at the cultural center I had the chance to acquire more knowledge about the Chinese culture and my community. I have helped elderly people with writing and articulating in English, and from this experience I have learned to become more patient with others. I realized that learning a new language is hard for non-native speakers, but the realization of that was just contemplation until I actually experienced the task of teaching, which requires a lot of patience. In addition, at the Cultural Center, I have learned to do calligraphy and play a Chinese musical instrument called the guzheng. I was also given the responsibilities of office work, participated in events such as the Chinese New Year, and learned their native language since I am Vietnamese. However, this year I decided that I wanted to volunteer at a community service site that would assist me with my major, which is business so I decided to volunteer at Howard Business School. While spending my time here at Howard, I was exposed to a college environment where I had the opportunity to take hospitality and business management courses that helped me better my understanding about business. Aside from volunteering at Howard Business School, I also had the opportunity to tutor and mentor a homeschooled student in Algebra I. My responsibility was to make a plan of what I am to do when I see this student every Thursday and assure that I am doing everything in my ability to help him understood each lesson. Since he is being homeschooled I am given several submission packets to look over, and my job is to understand these problems and discover a way in which I can teach and explain it to him. This was the greatest experience I have had even though their where challenges that arose; however, seeing this student grow and mature as a person and in Algebra I made everything worth it.

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Revised Text:

I want to attend Stanford and be successful. This statement is perhaps a cliché, but this is what I am striving for each day. I am a determined and striving student and teen, and know what I want in life.

I believe that these characteristics I have acquired, developed because I was raised in an impoverished environment as a child. My upbringing, and seeing the sacrifices my parents made, helps me understand that coming to America is a once in a lifetime opportunity that not everyone has. Because I have the privilege to acquire this opportunity, I chose to take advantage of it. My parents never had the chance to attend college because of their circumstances in Vietnam. I feel as though I am not accomplishing my aspirations just for me, but also for them.

During my freshman and sophomore years, I volunteered at the Chinatown Community Cultural Center. Through my service, I have discovered a lot about myself. While volunteering here at the Cultural Center I had the chance to acquire more knowledge about Chinese culture, and my community. I have helped elderly people with writing and articulating in English, and from this experience I have learned to become more patient with others. I realized that learning a new language is hard for non-native speakers, but the realization of that was just theoretical until I actually experienced the task of teaching, which requires a lot of patience. Also at the Cultural Center, I have learned to do calligraphy and play a Chinese musical instrument called the guzheng. I was also given the responsibility of office work, participated in events such as the Chinese New Year, and learned another language, my first language being Vietnamese.

This year I decided that I wanted to volunteer at a community service site, which would assist me with my major, which is business. I decided to volunteer at Howard Business School. While spending my time here at Howard, I was exposed to a college environment where I had the opportunity to take hospitality and business management courses that helped me better my understanding of business. In addition to volunteering at Howard Business School, I also had the opportunity to tutor and mentor a home-schooled student in Algebra I. My responsibility included making a plan of what I was to do when I saw this student every Thursday, and to assure that I was doing everything in my ability to help him understood each lesson. Since he is being home-schooled I am given several submission packets to look over, and my job is to understand these problems and discover a way in which I can teach and explain it to him.

This was the greatest experience I have had, even though there where challenges that arose. Seeing this student grow and mature as a person, and in Algebra I, made everything worth it.

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